Dear Mr. Trump:
It has come to my attention that you are doing everything in you power to disrupt life on this planet and that you may well have in mind the destruction of us all. I am also aware of your obvious lack of awareness about any of this, so when I was presented with the idea that you are intentionally being destructive, I immediately came to your defense.
I explained to your accusers that your extremely limited view of the world makes it unlikely that you are aware of consequences beyond anything’s immediate impact on you and that since you experience the rest of us on the planet only as extensions of yourself, it is virtually impossible for you to even conceptualize how your actions might adversely impact others. In brief (because I know you prefer brief), I spoke very firmly on your behalf to your accusers, stating that to characterize you as a bad man is not only erroneous, it is, frankly, ridiculous.
“How can a man who has no capacity to consider the experience of others be held accountable for what results from his actions?” I asked your accusers. “If it were a matter of lack of willingness to behave rationally and compassionately,” I continued, “that would be a different matter altogether. But we are not talking about a lack of willingness,” I told your accusers, “we are talking about the absence of capacity.” I could tell by this time that your accusers were quite impressed by my totally untrained legal mind. In fact, I am sure they were thinking that I might be the smartest person they had ever encountered.
I hope that you can appreciate how much I really did my very best to drive this point home in your defense. At one point, I was quite stirred up and I think I said, “My God, people, are you so cruel that you will blame a man for not doing what he has absolutely no way of knowing how to do?!” By that point, I could see that I just might be getting through to them.
I was only partially correct about that. With hindsight, I can see that your accusers had no reasonable way of defending their, frankly, silly position that you know what you are doing. They had no choice but to concede that you are a man with almost no self-awareness. I was brilliant, believe me.
Unfortunately, I was not able to get them to understand that your ineptitude is a perfectly fine explanation for almost everything you do and say and should also be considered adequate reason for not blaming you for any damage or destruction you may technically “cause.”
Of course, their failure to grasp what I had presented so magnificently, confirms what I have said from the very beginning: your accusers are losers. And I think some of them are rapists and wire-tappers. At least one of them is Mexican but now I am being redundant.
On the way out the door, I left them with this little gem: “You people can’t tell the difference between your asses and holes in the ground.” Trust me, it was the greatest exit line ever. Everyone says so. Do you like it? I made it up right there on the spot.